Guilt
by Leni
Summary: Her name is Guilt, but she still answers to Kagome. AR postTsubaki arc. Dark, but not that dark. But it isn't very hopeful either.


**DISCLAIMER:** Not mine.  
**WORDCOUNT:** 3748  
**SUMMARY:** AR post-Tsubaki arc. Dark, but not _that_ dark. But it isn't very hopeful either. evil grin pets story  
**PAIRINGS:** Kagome&Kohaku. (Kagome/Inuyasha)  
**FEEDBACK:** Send it. I'll take good care of it.  
**THANK YOU:** to Faith (**tragicamente**) for the beta. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

_Written for _**_numisma_**_ at _**_iyflashfic_**

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**GUILT  
**_by Leni_

**__**

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Her name is Guilt, but she still answers to Kagome. She's never told him where she came from, she hasn't even shared her name. Or anything else. In the beginning she was only this shadow, always looking down as she moved from room to room within the mansion, and for the most part that hasn't changed.

Kohaku finally learned her name weeks later, from Naraku's lips. He'd gone to the main chambers to get his next orders, but he'd found that Kagura was already there. It must have been the first time he saw Kagura stand up to Naraku, and he certainly hasn't seen another such scene. But that afternoon she'd stood in front of a recumbent Naraku, pale face enraged as she challenged him regarding the girl's stay among them.

"She is of no use," The wind demon had cried out, her fan clutched tightly in one hand.

Naraku had barely raised his head and had just stared at her. "Kagome is mine to deal with. Stay out, Kagura, that's an order."

Her eyes had blazed red, but she had lowered her head in obedience and left.

Kohaku had retreated as the demon had left, admittedly worried that the frustration she radiated would be focused on him. In a fair combat, Kagura would beat him; he knew that she lowered her powers when he practiced his agility against her attacks.

Kagura hadn't seen him, but Naraku had. He'd turned directly to his hidden position. "Kohaku?"

He'd straightened and bowed slightly.

"Are you taking care of her needs?"

Kohaku nodded. That had been his main mission since the girl came into their midst.

"Is she talking?"

Not a word - except that name - in her sleep. But Naraku already knew that, since he often stood at the door of whatever room she'd chosen to sleep at nightfall.

"Go back to her."

With that dismissal Kohaku had turned around without the usual respectful bow.

---

She wakes up to dark shadows and darker thoughts, but now she only blinks at them, not really affected anymore. Long ago she has stopped wishing that this were a nightmare. Now she only extends her hand and waits until the energy concentrates above her palm. Blackness gives way to a murkish light, what used to be a soft pink glow has slowly become a dark purple, like a bruise in her soul.

Sometimes, in these moments she feels especially beaten, she'll push until the small flame likens the shade of his human eyes. That reminds her why she never wanders off of Naraku's property, why she agreed to enter this mansion in the first place and maybe, if her dreams reminded her of the moments before that awful night, Kagome will remember what she's staying for.

She lies in the belly of the beast, alone, and only the memories stop her from allowing herself to be digested.

---

"Tsuki-hime?"

Kohaku knows that she's no princess, even though Naraku treats her like one sometimes. But for a long time he had nothing to name her by, and then one night he caught her at the main doors, resting against the wood tiredly as she gazed out into the darkest night of the month. She hadn't moved until dawn, when she'd gone to the nearest stream and had submerged herself fully clothed into the water.

He'd already considered jumping in after her when her head reappeared at the other side. She'd swum back, slowly, and still dripping she'd gone into the mansion, wandered into the first empty room and curled into herself. She hadn't eaten that day - Kohaku remembers that. After three months of observing the same scene, he learned to give her extra food and water on the day before the nights of the new moon.

Princess of the Moon, then, because everyone needs a name and she so obviously misses its light on those nights. Even now, after he's learned her true name. Kohaku doesn't feel it _right_ to use it when she hasn't allowed him to.

"Tsuki-hime?" he tries again, coming a little closer to her sleeping form. He knows better than to touch her. He did it once, and the pain in his back had heightened to such levels that he'd passed out instantly.

She finally awakes and looks at him wonderingly.

"Naraku asks for your presence," he relays their master's message. 'Their' as in his, Kagura's and Kanna's. Not hers. Almost a year with them and he'd never seen this girl make the littlest allowance to the demon. At least once every week he would come to her with Naraku's request and every time he got the same answer. She'd sit up and fix her eyes with his. The blue looked completely black in these moments, and then she'd shrug. Just _shrug_. Not once has she accepted Naraku's invitation, not even that once when Naraku himself came in. She hadn't even acknowledged them that time. Or maybe she had, in her own way, because instead of remaining seated, she had silently walked past both Kohaku and Naraku and sat back down in the neighbouring room.

Once again, she shrugs and Kohaku nods at the expected response. He cannot understand. Kagura controls the wind at her whim; Kanna's mirror eats the souls of the living and, by himself, he can finish off a small army. Why could this powerless girl defy Naraku?

The answer is as simple as it is incredible: She isn't powerless.

---

Her skin crawls if she thinks too closely about where she is.

Once upon a time, she had a home, and a family who loved her, and a _bed_ where she could lie down and forget her problems. But that is a half a millennium into the future, though it feels more like it's been half a millennium since. Or that's how it looks now that she's lost in the overwhelming absence of familiarity. Kagura brings her new clothes as she needs them, clothes she isn't used to, and the food Kohaku prepares isn't Mama's cooking, or Kaede's offerings, or even Sango's half-burned ramen.

Everything is new; everything is drowning in Naraku's presence and if she thinks too much about it, she'll scream.

---

Once, he caught her looking pensively down the well's opening. She'd never come before and he still can't understand why she'd approach it then. The well doesn't have any water, and anyway, he's the one who always collects the water for her drinks and her hot baths.

That afternoon, she'd turned to him, as if startled at his presence, guilty, perhaps? Kohaku had seen a flicker of recognition in her eyes, much like the night when she'd jumped from Kagura's feather and been entrusted to his care. Her eyes had widened; she'd slowly moved from the well, looking at him fixedly all the while. Then she'd suddenly crumbled onto the ground, fists tight around the overgrown strands of grass, she'd torn them apart.

She should be crying, he'd thought then. Such obvious rage, such obvious helplessness should be accompanied by tears, yet not one had crossed her face.

---

Sometimes she wants to leave. Naraku doesn't know about the well, and for that reason she never goes near it - almost never. But her place is here - with these monsters and her nightmares. With the anger and guilt festering within her heart, within the pearl. She can't abandon what's taking her so much to accomplish. The end is coming, she feels it, and as scared as she is, she must stay and see everything unfold.

Besides, he isn't dead. Inuyasha isn't dead.

On her worst days, that's the one thought that keeps her from jumping. That ties her five hundred years away from home. He isn't dead, just a little more lost than usual, and she has to find him, return him to the world and then learn to _breathe_ again. After that she'll be able to go back - if she ever decides to. The last time she saw Inuyasha, he looked pale, eyes closed as if in sleep. That night, it hadn't occurred to her that for all their nights together she'd never watched him sleep.

Now she wishes she never had, that he'd been able to always stay awake and annoying around her.

She passed out at Tsubaki's lair that night. She broke through the dark miko's defenses with a single thought and found the woman lying in the floor, trying to grap the Jewel, to grasp its power, and unable to. Kagome had waited patiently at the door, until the war of wills was decided. The Shikon pearl had won, of course; it always won. She'd picked up the dark sphere and... next thing she remembered was Kagura's back, the sudden knowledge of being high in air and feeling so afraid of the emptiness under her - _within her_ - that she stayed motionless on that feather. At their arrival, she'd recognised the trees which stood at her side, each small bush and stone. Kaede's hut. Or the place where it'd been. Naraku's mansion had greeted her instead.

Naraku's mansion.

Naraku's web.

But she still went inside, looking for a chance, for Inuyasha's body. But the enemy had been faster and had already hidden it. He'd sworn that Inuyasha hadn't been destroyed, and for some reason she believes that. She needs to believe, perhaps, but also there was that self-satisfied smirk in Naraku's face that betrayed that he _did_ have the perfect bait for her, the most perfect shield against her powers.

That's why she stayed in the beginning. To search through the mansion. Then she understood why Naraku wanted her and she decided to play her cards right. The end is coming, yes, faster and faster, and the amazing part is that she has the upper hand. She'll be the winner if only she could find _him_.

Maybe she can break the spell again. Maybe she'd awake him. Maybe he'd forgive her, and as she hears that snicker that isn't hers at all, Kagome knows that for all the power the Jewel gives her, she'll never have Inuyasha's forgiveness.

That won't stop her from trying, though. Inuyasha still has a chance. Maybe. But that is more than what her other friends have. The others...

They are dead.

She knows they must be dead. If Naraku had told her, she would have never thought of it; Naraku lies and betrays as easily as he pretends to be interested in her well-being. But he never said anything about her friends, never gloated or was condescending, and that's how she knows. Both Sango and Miroku were too stubborn to give up their vendettas; both believed to be so strong. But truly, what chances do a cursed monk and a troubled slayer have without a miko and a half-demon to back them up?

Next to Kikyou's grave, there are now four smaller, simpler shrines. None of them contains the rests of the owners, but Kikyou's didn't for a long time before everything changed, so Kagome doesn't feel disrespectful. Sometimes, as she climbs up the steps, she'll pretend that she's going home. But for that she must jump down, not climb up - if she ever decides to.

---

She's picking flowers; she always does this on the sunnier days. Kohaku has followed her so many times that he knows exactly what she'll pick. White for the smaller grave, yellow for the one next to it. To the other side of the bigger shrine, she'll place first a purple flower, maybe a blue one. For the last, she does something he cannot understand. The first time she walked up to him, he was startled. But she only took the flower he'd been absently playing with and placed it onto the fourth grave.

She'd looked so disappointed, so much sadder the one time he hadn't picked a flower. Kohaku hadn't brought himself to do that again. She's his princess, his company, his Tsuki-hime, and he can't bear to disappoint her.

She is so strange, this one girl, so mysterious. He had so many questions, and only hints of answers.

---

Sometimes she wakes up with her arms poised perfectly in a shooting position. The dream bow is one with her, _stronger_ than her. It directs her and as much as she pleads – begs -, this new part of her won't respond to her orders. She tries to talk then, order her mouth to open and her tongue to form words, to tell him to run and leave her. _'Please leave me'_ But he wouldn't listen. When had he ever listened to her?

Something beats inside her, pulsing at her throat. It races faster than her fears, screams louder than her heartbeat. This is more known to her than her breath and her heart. A silly heart that has loved him for months, has been with her for fifteen years. But the shard within her is part of forever, has been under her care for half a millennium. Which one would win? The answer is too easy as the arrow leaves her bow.

Not a scream. No recriminations. No betrayal as he falls. But she has betrayed him; this time, it's true. But his eyes look at her in... understanding? forgiveness? …and then the gold disappears and all that remains is a sleeping boy.

She hadn't meant to. She hadn't meant to kill Tsubaki either. But what she means and doesn't has stopped mattering since her arrow touched his heart.

She wakes up every time wishing she could scream as she did that night. But she doesn't scream, can't offer herself the relief of it. That night, her pain awoke all hidden corners of her powers. To her sorrow, the Jewel responded, burning bright in Tsubaki's hold, burning deep and surely through the dark miko's body as she tried to keep it under her control.

But Tsubaki couldn't, not without dying. And Kagome can't sleep through a night without remembering. She'll never scream. Instead she sits with her head between her knees, breathes once, twice, thrice until her body relaxes.

She'll make this better.

She has done so much damage already that from now on she can only make it better.

---

She heals him.

When Kohaku comes back from running Naraku's errands, his body will always sport bruises and lashes. Never too deep or too dangerous, he's too good for that. Half the times he doesn't really remember where he was, except for the impression of spears and arrows. The other half it's him fighting youkai for new shards.

Kagura only shrugs off his injuries, looking confused that someone in Naraku's court can be hurt so easily. His ward doesn't even notice at first, his presence another shadow in her day-to-day. Until one day he brought her water with a slight limp marking his step. She'd frowned then, stood up and signalled that he should show her the injury.

He'd resisted, but she was irresistible. After checking the puncture in his sole, she'd looked up at him and smiled. What'd shocked him wasn't only the comfort and sweetness flashing in her features when she'd barely acknowledged him for weeks, but he'd been drawn by that smile.

Kagura laughed harshly, sometimes, when she'd gotten the upper hand on some especially challenging enemy. Naraku's smiles were dangerous, peppered with unsaid threats. Kanna's expression never wavered, _never_ Kohaku had forgotten that real smiles existed until this girl had showed him hers.

He'd tried to return it, but the intent had stopped mid-way as pain hit him again. She'd shaken her head and walked away. Confused by her actions, emboldened by that smile, he'd dared to call her back- "Tsuki-hime?" She'd stopped, wearing an inquisitive expression and only then it had dawned on him that he'd never used that name directly with her but only in his thoughts. He'd drawn back, suddenly wary of her reaction. But she'd only smiled again before continuing on her way.

Long after nightfall she'd returned, different herbs carried in a cloth, and she'd set to cure him. By past experience Kohaku had known that it'd take some days for the discomfort to fade completely, and that the scars would remind him of is sloppiness for months to come. He'd fallen asleep to that knowledge, his last sight that of her fingering the purplish pendant around her neck. Warmth had engulfed him at night and his back had protested against an unknown, unrelenting pressure; at times his dreams told him that something was fighting its way out of his body, but a second force, a stronger one, pressed it back within.

Kohaku had awaken alone the next morning, and when he'd stood up, his foot had been working normally again

---

She hadn't meant to. For fifteen years she'd known nothing about a past life, but now she felt Kikyou pushing at the edges of her unconscious, edging along her dreams and her deepest thoughts. She hadn't wanted to swallow Kikyou back into herself. But the other miko had come after her, enraged after finding Inuyasha's prone body within the hut. She'd wanted revenge, as if Kagome herself wasn't punishing herself enough.

In that moment, there'd been no other option. The arrow had been aimed directly to her heart, and even if she had managed to avoid it, Kikyou was already preparing a second shot. So very weary, her power had unleashed then, shot out to wrap itself around the arrow and hold it back, just as it had done when Kikyou's arrow had threatened Inuyasha when the girl had just returned to the living.

Strengthened by the almost whole Jewel, her power had followed Kikyou's to its source, recognised it as its twin, its missing half. There'd been a scream, hers and Kikyou's melted into one as the Jewel brought its protector back into a single body.

Kagome still shakes at the memory, is terrified of so much tainted love, tainted hate, sweet memories and confusion that aren't hers but, at the same time, _are_.

She hates feeling the ghost of Inuyasha's first kiss, even if he never kissed _her_, knowing that Kaede used to thread yellow flowers in her dark hair though the older woman never mentioned anything of the sort. She hates that she's the only keeper of the Jewel, that there's no hope to share this burden anymore, but she's also forever grateful.

The Shikon Jewel is hers. Even Naraku bows to that truth.

She'd picked it from Tsubaki's burnt hands and from that moment on it only responds to her wishes. Other creatures may hold it, may retain shards of the pearl and strengthen their powers with it, but only she truly controls it. Without Inuyasha, without Sango and Miroku and Shippou and Kaede, it doesn't make sense to stop the youkai who have shards, so she lets Naraku go after them. She even lets him have the collected shards sometimes, for days even, likes to see the smug face when he believes that her control has finally faded. Then she'll command the stray piece to fuse into the almost complete pearl in her necklace.

After that night, after she was finished crying for all she'd lost, for what she'd have to do to win the battle single-handedly, as she had sat mutely on Kagura's feather, she'd felt it: The Jewel would obey her. Only her.

That's her power.

That's her penance.

That's why Naraku keeps her, looking for a way to break her will or bend it to his ways. She lets him think that he has a shot, and maybe he does.

---

Kohaku likes sitting beside her. She's the only one who looks at him like she's interested in more than his skills. It's not very entertaining, but in this mansion silence is norm, and at least her silence sounds like companionship. Entertainment isn't high in his list of priorities, anyway. Survival is, and making her smile. Not necessarily in that order.

Besides, the emptiness in Kagura's red eyes scares him; it's the same he sees in the river's surface when he's washing off the blood, wondering why he's covered in it when he has so few wounds. Kanna is no different, and Kohaku truly believes that it's best not to look at Naraku in the eye. Everyone who's ever done so has died. The wolf-youkai, the dog-youkai and that loud green thing he'd slain under Naraku's orders. Everyone except her. She looks at Naraku directly, and even then only when she allows him the favour of her presence in the same room.

But then, this girl is unique.

This is the girl who holds the world in her eyes. Even though she never says a word, he can guess whether she's content or particularly depressed with only a look. He can see anger, too, though she always mutes it when Naraku is around. There's a hole, an emptiness, in her gaze then, and Kohaku suspects it's from all the rage she forcefully tears away from anyone's sight.

But with him, it's different. Even the other female demons in the household get nothing but indifference from her. But for him there's always some warmth, even in her silence. He thinks that's probably why he likes staying with her.

---

She sits near the fire. Sometimes Kohaku will cook late at night and the smell of burnt wood and food wakes her up, invites her out of the mansion. She sees Kohaku sitting, looking as the game roasts for the meal of the next day.

Sango's brother, the only one alive and the only who won't remember her. How ironic. She sees the shard inside him, too, feels it begging to come to her. She stops it; she always will. He's Sango's brother and he must live. That sword of Inuyasha's brother lies somewhere, hidden by Naraku, too. She can't use it, but she can ask and she can learn and she'll do the impossible to keep this boy alive. What for? Kagome doesn't know, but that's what her friend wanted and in death she'll honour that wish.

So she comes closer to the fire and lets it warm her body. Her soul stays in the frozen memories the scene brings, though. Cooking and eating and fighting around the fire. The girl she used to be sits by those memories. So much innocence permeates those ghost surroundings; even if she could, Kagome wouldn't know how to fit back in. That girl isn't her, as simple as that. That girl didn't know how to control the Jewel. That girl didn't fire a second arrow into her love's heart. That girl didn't accept Naraku's invitation and didn't understand that, yes, good intentions were the path down to hell. Finally, that girl didn't know of vengeance, of this thirst so deep she's amazed that she doesn't lash out at Naraku every time she sees his odious face.

But that's because she has learned patience, and that girl of the past never understood the need for it. Patience to find Naraku's Achilles' heel, to find where he hides Inuyasha's body and maybe even Kouga's. She'll recover Kohaku's soul; she will, and then she'll fight her way back to normalcy, or at least to freedom.

Patience and the Jewel tarnished with her feelings, they are all she has.

The End  
26/02/06


End file.
